Savoring the moment

I want to share this story because it touched my heart so much that I believe this person deserves full credit.

On Monday of this week we had to have the water heater in our condo replaced. We noticed it was leaking the day before we needed to leave for a weekend trip back to Illinois to attend my friend Katie's beautiful wedding.

So on Thursday we contacted our landlords, turned the water off, scheduled the repair and hit the road.

Monday morning was here before we knew it and while Joe headed off to work, I stayed home to let the repair man in. A nice young man named Ethan arrived right on time and got to work.

It's always a bit awkward, I think, having a stranger in your home for a period of time. I never know if I should follow them around and "observe" what they are doing or let them do their job and stay out of their hair. So, I made a nice little area for myself in our living room and got to work on our baby registry. A central location I figured would due.

Ethan was incredibly professional and made it a point to explain what he was working on as he passed in and out of the house retrieving tools from his truck. There was a slight delay in a part he needed and as he mentioned it would be a few minutes before his partner arrived he began to carry on with small talk. Noticing all of the ultrasound pictures stuck to the refrigerator and pinned to our fireplace mantel, with some excitement in his voice asked when we were due. I simply replied some time in July and he proudly announced that he was the father of a ten year old and a three month old. He proceeded to ask if this was our first.

Lately I've been rehearsing this answer in my head. Trying to find the "perfect" balance to gracefully answering the question and get Elliott's name in there too.

My initial response included - No, this is my second. And with that I watch as the excitement from ones face disappears along with any further questions they may have pursued. Disappointed in myself (and their reaction) I secretly think, but our first baby died and we knew what was coming the entire pregnancy so this is an exciting time for us and in the end we will be bringing home a healthy baby girl to take care of!

So I changed it up a bit.

No, we had a little girl, but she passed away so this pregnancy is very exciting for us. And with that comes the look of dread and horror. I'm sure they are thinking oh my god, why did I ask her that, what do I say next. I sense their internal panic and ignore the look on their face as though I've just grown a third eye and I expect no more from them. The chance to share anymore is simply not there and I feel a huge sense of guilt because even though this pregnancy is new and exciting, the pregnancy with Elliott was just as meaningful and special.

When the one asking the question is a woman who is pregnant herself, I've found myself completely void of any words so say. While they may already know of Elliott's story, I don't bring it up. I may skirt around it, by saying "this is because of my last pregnancy" or "such and such happened when I was pregnant before". But seldom do I utter the words, my daughter died. I internalize their fear and anxiety of their own pregnancies and I don't want to scare them anymore. Sometime I wonder if I'm a living reminder to them of what could happen. I wonder if they pray at night that they don't turn out like me. If they only knew, I speak that same prayer every day for them.

So when Ethan asked the question is this your first I paused for a moment and said, no our daughter Elliott passed away last February already anticipating his reaction. I figured this would truly throw him for a loop and he would disappear into our basement never to be seen again until it was time for me to sign the paper work.

And this has become my new pat answer, with this response I can at least get Elliott's name out there.

To my surprise, Ethan responded by saying how very sorry he was. He calmly asked what happened and I jumped at the opportunity to share Elliott's story in as few details as possible. I didn't want to overwhelm him anymore and I didn't know if he was just being "nice", but something about him seemed so sincere. While the conversation was brief it touched my heart so much.

What came next what an absolute gift from God. Ethan had replaced the water heater but wanted to run the facets to get the air out for us. I told them we had two bathrooms upstairs and up he went. As he walked throughout the condo he noticed Elliott's pictures and spoke of how beautiful she was. I didn't want to freak him out anymore, but I honestly could have given him the biggest hug at that moment.

Here is this stranger in my house, a guy for one and lets face it men just aren't that open about things, yet he is comfortable enough to ask about Elliott and kind enough to acknowledge her pictures.

From here I could comment on how many people have ignored those pictures as if they didn't even exist but I'm not going to...

I'm simply going to cherish the kindness brought into our home one Monday morning by a man named Ethan. He will never know how much he touched my heart, and Joe's, since of course I had to call Joe right away and tell him how awesome it was to hear a complete stranger say Elliott was beautiful.

And with that, I'm going to savor the moment, because they come so few and far between.

Groovy baby

Do we look dy-no-mite or what. 

A few weekends ago this fox and I attended a 70's themed fundraiser that was so hip. 

The fundraiser was held to support the Rainbow Connection, a foundation that makes dreams come true for Michigan kids with a life threatening illness. The evening was a celebration of the young life of a beautiful girl named Maddie, who died at the age of 11 from cancer.

Her family hosted a far out evening of bowling, raffles, silent auction items, food and music. The night was so gravy with everyone in their tight threads. Joe was stoked all night because he won a silent auction item that he had his eye on as soon as he found it, a signed rookie card and photograph of Justin Verlander. Sadly I don't know a thing about football and apparently baseball because every time someone asked which auction item Joe was so excited about, I proceeded to tell them it was a picture of Brian Urlacher...who I'm sure you all know plays for the Bears not the Tigers. How that name even popped into my head is beyond me. And since everyone is so nice and didn't correct me, I thought that's what Joe won all evening until we were on our way home and Joe was talking about where he would hang this dope item.

He also won a stellar dartboard and some c'izz'ash after bowling a lucky strike in front of everyone. Talk about success under pressure. At one point during the night the emcee called Joe's name, had him walk up to the center lane and told him to bowl. Joe did and he scored a strike, BAM!!!

The entire evening was awesome, a celebration for Maddie and a huge turnout and support for the Rainbow Connection. As sentimental as I am, my favorite part was when the entire bowling alley of people sang Happy Birthday to Maddie girl. I imagine that moment was extra special for her parents as well.

Do me a solid. Check out the Rainbow Connection and give back too.

Catch you on the flip-side.

Whoa baby

Whoa baby is right. It looks as though our Little Miss will be making her debut a bit earlier than expected - in July! While this was music to Mom's ears, I think Dad's going to need a bit more time to digest ;-). Joe and our new ob have become "buds" over these past five months and I think if the work day had been over for Dr. O he would have taken Joe out for a cold one to process the news. Did I mention Dr. O will become a new dad this May as well. It's pretty fun to hear how his wife is doing, names they are thinking about (very Irish by the way), the aches and pains I'm having seem to be the same she is having, etc., etc. I think we're really developing a trusting relationship with Dr. O, especially since he has been incredibly supportive when we discuss Elliott and the last pregnancy.

Wednesday's appointment brought more good news, little miss is continuing to grow bigger and her kicks are certainly getting stronger. Joe's been able to feel a few when placing his hand on my belly. Our evenings seem to revolve around our new (well really old) indulgence, the television series Fringe and me saying "did you feel that one?" followed by me falling asleep on the couch during the middle of the second 45 minute episode I told Joe I'd stay up to watch.

Overall, I have been feeling really good physically. Still working as much as I can and getting to the gym a few times a week. However, I've had alot of pressure lately, sometimes making it difficult to sit at work at times. Fortunately, our desks are very ergonomic and can raise if I need to stand. This past month I've been having a painful burning sensation in my upper and middle abdomen. It's definitely not heartburn. While it's NOTHING close to what I felt when they stuck the enormous needle in my belly to take out the amniotic fluid, it does remind me slightly of that pain and the labor that shortly followed. So, perhaps to ease my nerves more than anything our doctor did a quick trans-vaginal scan. Everything looks good, normal, healthy in fact. No early signs of labor. What a relief! However, due to Elliott's early arrival and the incision Dr. N had to make, it's been confirmed by both doctors now that the risk of me going into labor before a pre-scheduled c-section could cause more harm than good. Dr. O explained that once we set a date, he will give me steroids 48 and 24 hours before delivery to prevent the baby from having any respiratory issues after delivery.

While the official date has not been set, we do have a few wagers on the table. One in particular of July 12th, Nana Kathy's birthday. I believe I could easily win daughter of the year if that happens, right Mom?? I have a felling little miss may be here a little earlier than that, perhaps we can spoil her by telling her all of the fireworks are for her. Plus my brother, sister in law and niece may be in Michigan in July and could very well be here to meet her, how exciting!

Following our appointment, Joe and I headed out to dinner to talk about the news. I think it's really starting to sink in now. There's so much to do in the next few months and all of it so very exciting. Yesterday, all day, I kept thinking - wow, so this is how it feels, to know your baby is growing strong and healthy, to feel no sadness in your heart as she kicks and twists in your belly, to proudly show off that ever growing baby bump, to look a stranger in the eye and happily answer questions about the pregnancy. To feel hope and joy at the thought of buying baby items and putting together a nursery. The two items below are the only few things we've had the guts to buy....until now, oh happy shopping day. But in all seriousness, this truly is a beautiful feeling. And we are so very grateful  to experience it. Thank you God.

We couldn't help but talk about Elliott at dinner as well and honestly I love how she finds her way into our daily conversations. April 6th is tomorrow and while that would have been her first birthday, I truly do not feel a connection to that date anymore. February 3rd is her birthday and we threw her one heck of a party. This weekend she will be looking down on her adorable cousin Luke, I'm sure laughing and smiling as he celebrates his first birthday. I wish we could be there too to see this little farmer baby open his gifts and blow out his candle. Happy Birthday little man, we love you!

As our dinner was coming to an end the sun's rays streamed through the restaurant windows hitting our water glasses causing a faint rainbow to fall upon our table. Another beautiful reminder that she is always with us.