Savoring the moment

I want to share this story because it touched my heart so much that I believe this person deserves full credit.

On Monday of this week we had to have the water heater in our condo replaced. We noticed it was leaking the day before we needed to leave for a weekend trip back to Illinois to attend my friend Katie's beautiful wedding.

So on Thursday we contacted our landlords, turned the water off, scheduled the repair and hit the road.

Monday morning was here before we knew it and while Joe headed off to work, I stayed home to let the repair man in. A nice young man named Ethan arrived right on time and got to work.

It's always a bit awkward, I think, having a stranger in your home for a period of time. I never know if I should follow them around and "observe" what they are doing or let them do their job and stay out of their hair. So, I made a nice little area for myself in our living room and got to work on our baby registry. A central location I figured would due.

Ethan was incredibly professional and made it a point to explain what he was working on as he passed in and out of the house retrieving tools from his truck. There was a slight delay in a part he needed and as he mentioned it would be a few minutes before his partner arrived he began to carry on with small talk. Noticing all of the ultrasound pictures stuck to the refrigerator and pinned to our fireplace mantel, with some excitement in his voice asked when we were due. I simply replied some time in July and he proudly announced that he was the father of a ten year old and a three month old. He proceeded to ask if this was our first.

Lately I've been rehearsing this answer in my head. Trying to find the "perfect" balance to gracefully answering the question and get Elliott's name in there too.

My initial response included - No, this is my second. And with that I watch as the excitement from ones face disappears along with any further questions they may have pursued. Disappointed in myself (and their reaction) I secretly think, but our first baby died and we knew what was coming the entire pregnancy so this is an exciting time for us and in the end we will be bringing home a healthy baby girl to take care of!

So I changed it up a bit.

No, we had a little girl, but she passed away so this pregnancy is very exciting for us. And with that comes the look of dread and horror. I'm sure they are thinking oh my god, why did I ask her that, what do I say next. I sense their internal panic and ignore the look on their face as though I've just grown a third eye and I expect no more from them. The chance to share anymore is simply not there and I feel a huge sense of guilt because even though this pregnancy is new and exciting, the pregnancy with Elliott was just as meaningful and special.

When the one asking the question is a woman who is pregnant herself, I've found myself completely void of any words so say. While they may already know of Elliott's story, I don't bring it up. I may skirt around it, by saying "this is because of my last pregnancy" or "such and such happened when I was pregnant before". But seldom do I utter the words, my daughter died. I internalize their fear and anxiety of their own pregnancies and I don't want to scare them anymore. Sometime I wonder if I'm a living reminder to them of what could happen. I wonder if they pray at night that they don't turn out like me. If they only knew, I speak that same prayer every day for them.

So when Ethan asked the question is this your first I paused for a moment and said, no our daughter Elliott passed away last February already anticipating his reaction. I figured this would truly throw him for a loop and he would disappear into our basement never to be seen again until it was time for me to sign the paper work.

And this has become my new pat answer, with this response I can at least get Elliott's name out there.

To my surprise, Ethan responded by saying how very sorry he was. He calmly asked what happened and I jumped at the opportunity to share Elliott's story in as few details as possible. I didn't want to overwhelm him anymore and I didn't know if he was just being "nice", but something about him seemed so sincere. While the conversation was brief it touched my heart so much.

What came next what an absolute gift from God. Ethan had replaced the water heater but wanted to run the facets to get the air out for us. I told them we had two bathrooms upstairs and up he went. As he walked throughout the condo he noticed Elliott's pictures and spoke of how beautiful she was. I didn't want to freak him out anymore, but I honestly could have given him the biggest hug at that moment.

Here is this stranger in my house, a guy for one and lets face it men just aren't that open about things, yet he is comfortable enough to ask about Elliott and kind enough to acknowledge her pictures.

From here I could comment on how many people have ignored those pictures as if they didn't even exist but I'm not going to...

I'm simply going to cherish the kindness brought into our home one Monday morning by a man named Ethan. He will never know how much he touched my heart, and Joe's, since of course I had to call Joe right away and tell him how awesome it was to hear a complete stranger say Elliott was beautiful.

And with that, I'm going to savor the moment, because they come so few and far between.