Just another day

Yesterday could have been, just another day. Just another Sunday. Just another end to the weekend. And at times it did feel that way. We had the regular routine with Sophie such as eating, playing and sleeping. We went to church, took turns with Sophie as the other person did some chores around the house. I finally re-organized the kitchen and Joe organized the garage. We are getting a bit closer to having our house all put together.

I thought about this day all of last week and the weeks before that, months before that even and throughout last year too.

I thought about this day on the 18th when Sophie turned 3 months old.

However, when I woke up yesterday I thought about Sophie and Joe and church and how to get us all out the door on time. I made the grocery list in my head as I took a shower. I thought about gifts to buy my niece for her birthday and things we should do when my parents and sister and nephew arrive on Thursday.

It wasn't until I read the date on the offering envelope for church that I remembered what day it was.

October 20th.

The date we were told Elliott would not live. The date of the doctors appointment when our world was shattered into a million pieces.

With all of the anticipation I felt leading up to this day, I think I was affected more by the shock I felt the moment I almost didn't realize what day it was, rather than the "absence" of sadness in my heart compared to what I felt last year. If that makes any sense at all.

So what does that mean..

I thought about that too yesterday. Between the sadness and the guilt. The guilt of almost forgetting one of the most terrible days of my life. Like that really, truly possible.

But one thing I do want to know is....why do I always feel so much guilt.

It's not that I will actually forget her. I can't. I won't. I never will. Especially now. The more and more I look at Sophie, the more I see Elliott. I see her in her profile as she nurses. Something about the way her mouth is, I see her. And even though I never saw Elliott's eyes open, I still see her in Sophie's, in the way she smiles, even with her eyes.

So maybe its not a bad thing that I didn't wake up yesterday morning dreading the day, feeling sad the moment my feet hit the floor.

Maybe it's ok.

Maybe this is part of the healing. Part of God's timing.